Утконос (перевод на английский)

Have you ever wondered why in our world there is so much absurdity? Where do so many animals, birds, fish and insects come from? And we, homo sapiens, sometimes behave no better than a wolf or a ram. Using platypus as an example it is very easy to explain.

Once I had a chance to chat with one of the Creators. The Creator, speaking our human language, was a bit drunk, so he readily agreed to spare some human minutes with me.


Oh, these students are a disaster! – he started. – Not like in the old days. In the past they were making dinosaurs and whales. And what now?.. Some make flies, some worms, some mosquitoes, some concentrated just on microbes. OK, if we take the group A-20-S-S – they, at least, spent most of their time with flora – more use for you, humans; at least thanks to them you can breathe. And what to say about my boobies! One of mine has just created a platypus…

Whom did he make? – asked I, interrupting.

A platypus. Brainless booby! And the Committee acknowledged his “course” work the best of the whole year. That botcher was shirking, drinking and idling for the whole year, and then just before the exam he turned up and then contrived such a “miracle”. And the new dean, who was recently appointed from above just approved: “I approve! I approve! He deserves the Breath of Life!” and sent this layabout to the Chancellor. The Chancellor enjoyed it: apparently he’s got a good sense of humour but no taste. And you, homo sapiens, each time you see a platypus, have a good laugh. But you humans – don’t delude yourselves! You were also made by a mediocre graduate. Yes, the same Chancellor approved you; speaking your human language, as demo-version. And now nobody gives a damn about anything. One may contrive a baboon with seven hands – and anyway it will be sent to the “Breath of Life”. But nobody is inventing anything new. Everybody played himself out. Now they moved into modelling.

What is modelling? – I asked, showing some interest.

Well, we’ve got a some professor. Let’s take you, homo sapiens, and all sort of your neighbours – monkeys, cats, doggies, etc. who used to live and did not grieve. We sometimes were watching you, admiringly, and got so excited that our students are not really poor achievers – they can invent something worthwhile. And here we go: that academician was sent to us to develop a new course. So he did it – “A Modelling Course”. You, for example were using your own head to think before, and now a group of special students each day are designing for you the situations where you may break your neck or drown, or sometimes fall in love. You think it’s your heart singing from happiness but in reality this is another booby who wants to please his tutor by tinkering with his lab work. And now, the rumour says, we are waiting for another academician. I heard that his ideas are even crazier: now we, Creators, must get in contact with you – our smart creation. So now I am trying to do that, and you can not imagine how tough it is. It’s like talking to a cupboard. But on the other hand, nobody will believe that it could be so difficult; so if you do not want to wind up, well, you understand what I mean, you better keep your mouth shut.

It’s been 6 months, but I still keep thinking about a platypus. My wife says that I have lost my wits. I still can not understand; were man and woman made by the same Creator or was the woman invented by the same botcher who made a platypus?